Love Muffin

The moment I woke up, the pain was spread across my abdomen and down my legs. I cried out, began to throw up and curled up on the cold bathroom floor. It was 4am, I knew I had to wait until the doctor’s office was open at 7am. My husband came in, worried, pacing, and waiting to see if the Advil would kick in. He wanted to take me to the E.R. but I knew what it was, I just needed to wait to get to my doctor. Those hours were painful and long, I had no energy to cry, sleep, or move. I just stayed in the fetal position.

By 7, I called my doctor’s office. The nurse answered, she had known me since I was 5, and the only time I ever came in, was for an injury, or to have insurance documents validated after a checkup. She told me to come in right away. I laid curled on the floor, unable to decide to move. The pain was unbearable, and coursing through my body like bolts of electricity. I slowly got up, and almost passed out, my husband caught me. I went to go put on pants, but couldn’t manage to get out of my pj top, and didn’t bother to brush my teeth. I just wanted to get to the Dr.’s office.

By the time my husband got us to the doctor’s office, my legs were shaking, and I had to get to the bathroom. The nurse escorted me in, and told my husband just to wait in the seating area, she helped me into the washroom, turned around to give me privacy, but knew she couldn’t leave me alone. I almost passed out.

My doctor gave me a prescription for T3’s and told me to fill it out right away downstairs, and then head for my ultrasound. By the time the clock struck 8:30, I had downed water with T3’s and was lying down having an ultrusound. The news was not what we were expecting. There was no baby, or loss of baby, I had cysts all over my ovaries and they were bursting.

I went home, high on T3’s, and fell asleep. I was told to take the week off of work before coming back into the Doctor’s office for a checkup. Three days passed, and I was back sitting in front of my Doctor. He looked at me, and told me the same thing I was told at the age of 19. I had very little chance of getting pregnant or even carrying a baby. I had endometriosis. There I was, just staring at this doctor, not sure what to say, or even do. It seemed like a sentence. I felt like he had just ripped out my heart and crushed it. I wasn’t much of a prayer, but I prayed for a baby. It was really all I wanted, was a family of my own. I felt empty and useless. A childless life was not for me, I watched so many of my colleagues choose that life, and I admired them for it, but it wasn’t me.

I decided to go back to work, and just not think about what he said, but his words kept haunting me. My husband kept on telling me that the doctor had no idea what he was talking about, and believed that if we wanted a child, we just needed to ask the universe. I loved his optimism, but somewhere, I felt empty, and sad. Sad for a life I felt like I wasn’t going to get.

I spent the next 2 years, stressed, working ridiculous hours, and traveling non stop. I figured, if we weren’t going to have a family, we should just focus on our careers. We were both running on a treadmill, we had been saving for a house that we couldn’t fill, and we were both traveling for work, but not having our own adventures as a young married couple.

One Saturday morning, we woke up and for some reason had a discussion about moving across the country. We just decided it was time to change our lives, why not have an adventure. 5 months after that conversation, we were living in a new city, having a crazy adventure, hiking every weekend, random road trips, and then the unthinkable.

We fell in love with a tiny dog, who looked matted and scruffy. She jumped into our arms and that was it, we brought her home… little did we know, our furry family member was a good luck charm. As I focussed on a Master’s degree and career, she curled up on my belly every morning and began barking. I had no idea what she was doing, but she began acting weird, never leaving my side, barking at me. In her own way, she was trying to tell me something. The universe had answered me.

All that love. created a little muffin, a perfect little boy that I was told I would never be able to carry.

It’s a good thing Doctor’s don’t have all the answers.

Dip Kid

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